Sunday, March 29, 2015

Bossy vs. inspiring

A friend just posted the following quote on Facebook:

“I want every little girl who [is told] they’re bossy to be told instead, “You have leadership skills.”                         — Sheryl Sandberg
She and Sheryl Sandberg both mean well, I know, but I'm going to quibble because I think this sentiment is wrong and ultimately harmful to girls.

"Bossy" is used negatively as a descriptor of someone who is trying to be domineering, to "boss" other people around, i.e., get them to do what he/she wants. "Bossy" is used as a label for people we perceive to hold a desire to have and exercise power over us. That's never going to be a popular term in a nation that values freedom as highly as the USA does.

Leadership, on the other hand, is widely understood to include the ability to inspire others and to get their buy-in on carrying out a plan. While that is power of a sort, it is quite different than being domineering.

Instead of merely being "the boss" on the top of a hierarchy, an effective leader motivates others to work with her to pursue a common vision of their own volition, not just because they've been ordered to do so. Bossy people, ironically, often counter-productively evoke passive-aggressive behavior from their subordinates.

Anyone who can talk can give orders--I present my three-year-old toddler as evidence of that--but only a good leader can make it so that other people want to do what the leader says. If a girl is acting in such a way as to result in others wanting to call her "bossy," odds are good that she's trying to order others around in a way that is rubbing them wrong.  Instead of being told that already she has leadership skills, the girl needs to be taught actual leadership skills--including communication skills, motivation skills, delegating, positivity, being proactive, trustworthiness, creativity, giving effective feedback and seeking feedback, resourcefulness, being well-informed, responsibility, flexibility, commitment (follow-through), and self-confidence (the humble, well-founded sort of confidence, not arrogance)--so that her inclination to head up successful teams can someday be realized.

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